Fanfic: "How Pathetic" by Ikaris

''How pathetic...''

It came out so quiet, I hardly believed I had spoke it. It sounded like I was whimpering.

I sat up in the bed and looked out the window. The bright sun seemed to be mocking me.

I tiredly went over to the blinds to close them. I didn't even make it. I broke down half way when a memory of cowering in the shade of my car while I got Bella from a friends house seared it's monstrous head.

Digging my fingers into the carpet of the hotel room floor, I silently let the pain have me. Why couldn't I get over this? Why couldn't I move on as I'm sure Bella has? Why was I so... Pathetic?!

Maybe if I had been stronger, I wouldn't be here alone. Bella would be with me. We would be planning our trip to Jacksonville. We would be cuddled up on my couch listening to the CD I made for her. Anywhere! But not alone. If I still had Bella I would never be alone.

Sighing, I realized that was a lie too. Even if Bella and me were still together, she would leave eventually. For one reason or another. Wanting more. Wanting less. Death...

I could still see the look on her face. The look like I had just torn her soul out. Her life! She believed every word I said. That was the most horrible reaction. Worse than her denying it. It was like she had just said, ''I know Edward doesn't love me.'' All over again.

Tiredly looking up, I saw the forgotten blinds were still open. I stared menacingly at them, as if this would make them shut on their own. Of course they didn't.

Groaning, I stood up and shut them, letting my manly sparkle die down.

Why not go back? I question my self darkly. I was tired of ripping myself apart. You can't have her forever, I remedied my self. Why not enjoy it while it lasts? These were all code words for: You know you're to weak to go on, just give up.

So, of course, I pleasantly gave up.

There was a knock on my door suddenly. Strange, had I been so preoccupied by my ruined life that I hadn't herd their thoughts. Or maybe it was ...

Jumping to the door I flung it open, only to come face to face with Rosalie. My shoulders slumped. ''Of course...'' I grumbled. Rosalie raised an eyebrow at me but said nothing. She came in and sat down on my bed. ''Make you're self at home...'' I hissed icily. Rosalie glared, but it melted into a mask of sadness. ''Edward, listen...'' She trailed off, took a deep breath, and fired off.

''Look, Edward, I know I should have waited so the rest of the family could tell you with me, but you need to know now! You have a right! And I know you wouldn't like it if I kept it a secret from you. And it would be horrible if we let you find out on you're own! So here I am, telling you because, well, if I don't do it now, I won't have the courage to later! All right, Edward, here goes! I just had to make sure you understood that before I told you, so...'' She babbled incoherently for another couple minutes. I missed half of it because I just wasn't really paying attention. But the last sentence stayed clear in my ears.

''Edward, Bella's dead!''

I stared at Rosalie the longest time before finally crying out, ''Rosalie, how could you even say such a lie to me?! Do you think it's funny? Do you find amusement in my-''

She cut me off. ''Oh Edward, will you stop! Alice had a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff! It was a suicide!-'' She stopped and put a hand over her mouth, as if she had spilled a secret.

I didn't speak, I didn't move, I didn't breath. As if in doing all these things, I could stop time. And, of course, it didn't work.

Realization washed over me. She's dead! She's dead! No! She's not supposed to kill herself! She's supposed to die like a normal person! But I knew, I'd been prolonging the the thought of death, making myself believe me and Bella would live forever.

I opened my mouth to scream, but all that came out was a choking sound. I must of looked ready to kill over because Rose looked next to tears, then she stood up and hugged me.

I didn't feel the emotion behind it.

I didn't feel anything. Except pain. Pain bleeding out over every other emotion. And ten times as powerful as anything I've ever felt. Rose must have let go then, because her hands were now clutched tightly together.

I didn't feel it as I collapsed against the wall. There seemed to be no difference in what I saw when I fell to the the ground. Defeat washed over me. I turned my gaze up. Past Rosalie.

''Why are you doing this? I understand if you want to punish me, but why Bella?'' I got no answered.

''Edward?...'' Rosalie whispered. Without awnsering, I stood up and walked out.

Whipping open my cell phone, I pressed speed dial six. It rang three times before someone awnsered.''Hello?'' At first I thought it was Charlie, but the voice sound huskier.

This person would have no clue where Bella would be. So I asked, ''Where's Charlie?'' It sounded like an order, rude. But I didn't care.

The voice replied, ''He's at the funeral.'' I hung up. Then tossed it in a trash can.

That decided it. I left Rio, and headed for Italy.