Thursday, January 24, 2008
Remains by Bleeding Statue
Remains
By Bleeding_Statue
I'm stupid. And even knowing that, as mentally aware of my stupidity as I am, I'm still following her home. Still slipping into her room at night. Still humming her lullaby in her ear when she got restless. Still loving her.
I don't know why I still hung around. My family had moved to Maine, and everyone thought I had gone with them. Did I really love her that much? That must be the case, because she was alright without me, she had fallen in love, she didn't need me.
Maybe if I'd come sooner. . . but it was too late for what-ifs. My punishment for not making it in time---No. My punishment for coveting, loving, wanting, craving with a need that was stronger than any blood lust he'd ever felt. . . I now understood the punishment, (understood, not accept) they'd given me a taste of love, that powerful all consuming love that kills everything in it's path, that love that had left me weak and sobbing, and then ripped it away, which had ended in physical pain. Always pain. Born by pain, love by pain, die by pain. The pain of knowing where she was driving, not to my house, but his: Jacob Black.
I could still remember Jacob's expression when he had found out. He'd asked me about it later, unable to understand why I had given her up, and for a minute, he forgot what he was talking to.
And I think that's why Jacob chooses to ignore my sent on her from time to time.
Now I understood why tragedy after tragedy kept happening to me and Bella. We weren't meant for each other. Even though I loved her with all my heart, maybe that wasn't enough. It was fate she and Jacob ended up. He followed her to prom, he stayed with her when I didn't, he got her to fall in love with him. I used to think Bella was my soul mate, but maybe it was meant to be. Maybe she was supposed to have lost her memory, maybe vampires weren't supposed to fall in love.
I've been following her truck for some time now, but Bella has just crossed the line into La Push, so now I have to sit and wait (and trust that dog with the heart of the girl I will forever love), because that's one thing Jacob can not ignore.
***************************************************
It's almost midnight when I hear the roar of Bella's truck clank it's way out of La Push. I pause my pacing and lift my head to watch as it idles by me, then I catch sight of Bella through the driver's side window. I froze as I noticed for the first time the salty track of tears on her face.
My first instinct is hard to fight down but I controlled my need to launch myself at her and cradle her in my arms, like I used to, before she forgot. When it was okay. I suppose this is what I got for trusting her heart to another.
Then I remembered something I had pulled out of Jacobs mind a while ago.
He knew it would happen someday, but he stubbornly sticked to his motto: ''If I can't see it, it can't see me.''
Jacob had imprinted. Sad but true, a shy fourteen year old from the reservation had come with her friends to hang out with the 'hunky' tribe boys, attracted to their 'wildness'. Jacob had called Bella over today to tell her.
And now she was driving home alone, wondering if she'd ever find someone to replace him, but not wanting to replace him because she loved him and wanted to be kept company by his memories, but memories don't talk with you, or hold your hand when your sad, or kiss you when you feel alone and ugly and foolish.
I knew how she felt. And I could tell her that the pain would probably never go away, but that was life, and that was the price she would pay for loving and living. That pain I knew, and I still lived with, today, right now, and it flared as I remembered Carlisle words, sounding hard and cold, even in his fatherly sympathetic tone. '' She has amnesia, and I don't think her memory will come back.'' His sad, painful expression bore into mine. ''What will you do, Edward?'' And I didn't know. I just stared at him and backed up, my back hitting the wall as I backed away from him, from this horrible reality, and slid down to the floor. My head in my hands, I'd made the decision to let her go.
If I left now, she would never remember, she wouldn't feel the pain of my departure, like she had before, and if I left soon enough, she wouldn't have a chance to fall in love with me again, and I wouldn't have a chance to change my mind. But I hadn't left soon enough, and ended up staying. How weak and pathetic I was.
She ran right past a sleeping Charlie, straight up to her room, and I shadowed her every move. Like a ghost, an imaginary thing, a monster that belonged in shadow. It broke my heart to see her crying, crying for a loss I knew, oh too well, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Was there?
Well, of course not, I mean, she didn't remember me, she had no idea who I was, or what. She would be shocked and appalled if I (a vampire) slipped into her room at this hour. Or at all.
I mean, of course she was the same Bella, so she might be able to accept me again, or maybe she had spent too much time with werewolfs, listening to the tales, the hatred, and now wouldn't be able to accept who and what I was.
That had to be the case, I thought with a grimace. She would have such a grotesque picture of vampires painted in her head, that she would never be able to accept this, not now.
Bella sat up in bed, wiping her eyes, sniffling, whimpering, killing me with those glassy , chocolate eyes. And for a minute, I could have sworn she was looking right in my eyes. She looked down abruptly, as if embarrassed. The move was so much like when we had first met, I couldn't help but smile. Then she did something that took me completely off guard.
She started humming her lullaby. She was quiet, but I could here it perfectly from my perch on the tree outside her window. I couldn't grasp it. How could she know that song? She had learned it before she lost her memory. . . So it didn't make sense. I had been very specific when removing myself from her existence, all her belongings that I had given her or would remind her of me were carefully tucked away in my room, under our bed. I hadn't forgotten anything, had I? I had taken the CD, right? Yes, I'm listened to it almost every time she was in La Push for a long period of time. (It helped me forget where she was, and who she was kissing.) So she shouldn't know this song.
Perhaps this was some sort of sign from God, I thought idly, almost kidding, but liking the sound of it more and more as I continued to think, what if God actually wanted us to be together, that he appreciated our love that was more than love, and wanted it to continue. Earlier, I had believed fate had driven us apart, but now, was it possible we really were fated together. . .
It was a hopeful thought, and it excited me, making my smile widen. Hope. Believe. The thought made me brave, made me hope, made me believe, made me love. Brave enough, perhaps, to slip into her window, tonight.
Authors Note: In case you didn't get what happened here, Bella got in a car wreck and lost her memory, Edward decided to leave (but didn't really) and Bella started going out with Jacob. Then Jacob imprinted and blah blah blah. You got that part. I'm planning on making a sequel, as well, when Edward attempts to go out with a girl who is convinced vampires are evil. Eeeeeeeee!!!!! R&R!!!!!!!
By Bleeding_Statue
I'm stupid. And even knowing that, as mentally aware of my stupidity as I am, I'm still following her home. Still slipping into her room at night. Still humming her lullaby in her ear when she got restless. Still loving her.
I don't know why I still hung around. My family had moved to Maine, and everyone thought I had gone with them. Did I really love her that much? That must be the case, because she was alright without me, she had fallen in love, she didn't need me.
Maybe if I'd come sooner. . . but it was too late for what-ifs. My punishment for not making it in time---No. My punishment for coveting, loving, wanting, craving with a need that was stronger than any blood lust he'd ever felt. . . I now understood the punishment, (understood, not accept) they'd given me a taste of love, that powerful all consuming love that kills everything in it's path, that love that had left me weak and sobbing, and then ripped it away, which had ended in physical pain. Always pain. Born by pain, love by pain, die by pain. The pain of knowing where she was driving, not to my house, but his: Jacob Black.
I could still remember Jacob's expression when he had found out. He'd asked me about it later, unable to understand why I had given her up, and for a minute, he forgot what he was talking to.
And I think that's why Jacob chooses to ignore my sent on her from time to time.
Now I understood why tragedy after tragedy kept happening to me and Bella. We weren't meant for each other. Even though I loved her with all my heart, maybe that wasn't enough. It was fate she and Jacob ended up. He followed her to prom, he stayed with her when I didn't, he got her to fall in love with him. I used to think Bella was my soul mate, but maybe it was meant to be. Maybe she was supposed to have lost her memory, maybe vampires weren't supposed to fall in love.
I've been following her truck for some time now, but Bella has just crossed the line into La Push, so now I have to sit and wait (and trust that dog with the heart of the girl I will forever love), because that's one thing Jacob can not ignore.
***************************************************
It's almost midnight when I hear the roar of Bella's truck clank it's way out of La Push. I pause my pacing and lift my head to watch as it idles by me, then I catch sight of Bella through the driver's side window. I froze as I noticed for the first time the salty track of tears on her face.
My first instinct is hard to fight down but I controlled my need to launch myself at her and cradle her in my arms, like I used to, before she forgot. When it was okay. I suppose this is what I got for trusting her heart to another.
Then I remembered something I had pulled out of Jacobs mind a while ago.
He knew it would happen someday, but he stubbornly sticked to his motto: ''If I can't see it, it can't see me.''
Jacob had imprinted. Sad but true, a shy fourteen year old from the reservation had come with her friends to hang out with the 'hunky' tribe boys, attracted to their 'wildness'. Jacob had called Bella over today to tell her.
And now she was driving home alone, wondering if she'd ever find someone to replace him, but not wanting to replace him because she loved him and wanted to be kept company by his memories, but memories don't talk with you, or hold your hand when your sad, or kiss you when you feel alone and ugly and foolish.
I knew how she felt. And I could tell her that the pain would probably never go away, but that was life, and that was the price she would pay for loving and living. That pain I knew, and I still lived with, today, right now, and it flared as I remembered Carlisle words, sounding hard and cold, even in his fatherly sympathetic tone. '' She has amnesia, and I don't think her memory will come back.'' His sad, painful expression bore into mine. ''What will you do, Edward?'' And I didn't know. I just stared at him and backed up, my back hitting the wall as I backed away from him, from this horrible reality, and slid down to the floor. My head in my hands, I'd made the decision to let her go.
If I left now, she would never remember, she wouldn't feel the pain of my departure, like she had before, and if I left soon enough, she wouldn't have a chance to fall in love with me again, and I wouldn't have a chance to change my mind. But I hadn't left soon enough, and ended up staying. How weak and pathetic I was.
She ran right past a sleeping Charlie, straight up to her room, and I shadowed her every move. Like a ghost, an imaginary thing, a monster that belonged in shadow. It broke my heart to see her crying, crying for a loss I knew, oh too well, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Was there?
Well, of course not, I mean, she didn't remember me, she had no idea who I was, or what. She would be shocked and appalled if I (a vampire) slipped into her room at this hour. Or at all.
I mean, of course she was the same Bella, so she might be able to accept me again, or maybe she had spent too much time with werewolfs, listening to the tales, the hatred, and now wouldn't be able to accept who and what I was.
That had to be the case, I thought with a grimace. She would have such a grotesque picture of vampires painted in her head, that she would never be able to accept this, not now.
Bella sat up in bed, wiping her eyes, sniffling, whimpering, killing me with those glassy , chocolate eyes. And for a minute, I could have sworn she was looking right in my eyes. She looked down abruptly, as if embarrassed. The move was so much like when we had first met, I couldn't help but smile. Then she did something that took me completely off guard.
She started humming her lullaby. She was quiet, but I could here it perfectly from my perch on the tree outside her window. I couldn't grasp it. How could she know that song? She had learned it before she lost her memory. . . So it didn't make sense. I had been very specific when removing myself from her existence, all her belongings that I had given her or would remind her of me were carefully tucked away in my room, under our bed. I hadn't forgotten anything, had I? I had taken the CD, right? Yes, I'm listened to it almost every time she was in La Push for a long period of time. (It helped me forget where she was, and who she was kissing.) So she shouldn't know this song.
Perhaps this was some sort of sign from God, I thought idly, almost kidding, but liking the sound of it more and more as I continued to think, what if God actually wanted us to be together, that he appreciated our love that was more than love, and wanted it to continue. Earlier, I had believed fate had driven us apart, but now, was it possible we really were fated together. . .
It was a hopeful thought, and it excited me, making my smile widen. Hope. Believe. The thought made me brave, made me hope, made me believe, made me love. Brave enough, perhaps, to slip into her window, tonight.
Authors Note: In case you didn't get what happened here, Bella got in a car wreck and lost her memory, Edward decided to leave (but didn't really) and Bella started going out with Jacob. Then Jacob imprinted and blah blah blah. You got that part. I'm planning on making a sequel, as well, when Edward attempts to go out with a girl who is convinced vampires are evil. Eeeeeeeee!!!!! R&R!!!!!!!
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